


Once More With Love

by supreme_leader_grimm



Category: Umineko no Naku Koro ni | When the Seagulls Cry
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Behavior, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Vomiting, just a warning for that one, mirror punching lmfao, sayo-typical dysphoria, this is soft and angst we die like ushiromiyas, yasu being yasu idk lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:01:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24696460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supreme_leader_grimm/pseuds/supreme_leader_grimm
Summary: Her eyes were stinging from the ocean water moments ago, and she focused her mind away from the pain searing at her entire lower half. Such a frail body was never meant to be under this much pressure, lungs close to capsizing from the water in them.But the weight on her ankle suddenly disappeared, and she wasn't sure if it was a delusion from her air-deprived mind.. or if the ingot had been too much for the rope to hold.___________one kakera in the sea of billions.
Relationships: Beatrice the Golden Witch/Ushiromiya Battler, Kanon/Ushiromiya Battler, Ushiromiya Battler/Yasuda Sayo
Comments: 16
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> help
> 
> OK I HAVENT UPLOADED A FIC IN.. a whole ass year literally. ignore my bad old dr fics xd
> 
> its my comfort character i get to write an au where she lives

The seagulls cried above, and the waves curled at the body falling into them. 

For a moment, the sound of the splash was muffled and far away, eyes blinking closed at the salt water and instincts trying to force her body back up towards the air. 

Despite the effort, it was useless. All useless, as someone would say. The weight pulled at her ankle, rope digging into her skin and causing slight pain. Though she bit her tongue, keeping her eyes shut tight because she couldn't even see otherwise.

There was another splash above, muffled by the ringing of the water entering her ears and the distance between them. For a moment she squinted through the sea, barely catching the shadow reaching towards her and the hint of concern on a far-away face. 

But no matter what, there was nothing that could be done. There was no way he'd be able to pull both her and the ingot's weight, and she was able to hold a small, hardly satisfied smile at that fact. 

Her eyes were stinging from the ocean water moments ago, and she focused her mind away from the pain searing at her entire lower half. Such a frail body was never meant to be under this much pressure, lungs close to capsizing from the water in them.

But the weight on her ankle suddenly disappeared, and she wasn't sure if it was a delusion from her air-deprived mind.. or if the ingot had been too much for the rope to hold.

Nonetheless, she felt her body forcing itself upwards through instinct, until a hand grabbed at her wrist and _pulled_ her up.

The air felt cold above the waves, and despite gasping breaths she barely managed to stay conscious, let alone breathe. Her throat was burning with salt, and she couldn't even open her eyes. However, the hand around her wrist still pulled her along. 

She finally felt her body against a solid ground, mind still rocking in the aftermath of the ocean's grip. The boat floor was cold. The air was cold. The hand pushing against her chest was cold.

Drifting in and out of consciousness, she managed to cough up a few droplets of water, and let her head rest against the metal. Even through it, she could hear the lull of the waves underneath. 

_How could you have failed..?_

...

Her mind jolted awake at the sudden burst of air in her lungs, a warmth against her lips forcing her into consciousness. For a moment it felt like the heat has finally returned to her cheeks, but it was short-lived when she doubled over and coughed up half the ocean onto the floor of the boat. 

Battler just kept a hand on her back as she took gasping breaths, eyes shut tight and burning with salt and oncoming tears. Her shoulder still ached from the gunshot, which certainly doesn't help.

After what felt like an hour of silence and tentative coughs on both ends, he finally said something. 

"Shannon-chan.." his voice was unusually quiet and strained, and she didn't have to look at him to imagine his pained face. 

"I won't do it again," she said bluntly in response, her own voice raspy. He didn't say anything immediately after, meaning his question was answered like she thought. 

"You'll catch cold if you keep wearing that dress. Do you want my jacket?" He asked, before patting himself and remembering it was taken by the wind awhile ago. "Er.. my shirt." 

The offer was generous enough, and if she was anyone else in the world she would've taken it. 

"No, that's okay. I won't die from a cold." 

That's right, they just had to get to Niijima like they originally planned. Or rather, she had planned for _him_ to get to Niijima. 

The soaked fabric felt too tight against her skin, though. And every tired muscle in her body screamed at her to accept the offer, and at least dry off, but she couldn't remove her last line of defense.

"Kehihi.. what's wrong, Battleeer?" She forced out, a fake smile growing on her face as she leaned back and finally looked at him. "Disappointed you won't get to see my bare bodyyyy?"

"I-" He sputtered for a moment, heat growing on his face with a disbelieving look. "Th.. that's not it! I was just trying to be nice!"

"Such words coming from a self-proclaimed breast sommelier.." 

"Sh- shut up!" 

She couldn't help but feel like it was all forced. But at least they could both pretend shamelessly. 

Her expression dropped for a moment, hands trying to push the soaked wig back onto her head desperately. As if it would make her continue being the witch, and stop the world from seeing her sorry self. 

Though a hand reached over and pulled it off of her, letting it hit the ground and splash water up at them. The cap underneath was tangled in a mess of brown locks. 

"How.. how dare you! I should summon a horde of demons to pull you down to purgatory for such a thing-!" She huffed, trying to recover from the wide eyed expression she held just a second ago. 

"It's all knotted," he mumbled, shuffling over on his knees to start working at getting the cap out of her hair. Completely ignoring her protests. 

She went silent for awhile, bangs covering her features and eyes downtrodden. He just methodically worked, unknotting wet strands of hair in an attempt to fix it. 

"I didn't know you were good at this kinda stuff.." she finally whispered, clammy hands folded in her lap.

"Ange refuses to brush hers for weeks sometimes, and I'm always the one responsible for helping. Kyrie-san isn't..." he hesitated, "..wasn't the best with longer hair."

She nodded, eyes shutting to quietly let him continue. 

"Why did you save me?"

"I didn't want you to-"

"From the island," she added, hurriedly. "That was _my_ island, you knoow? A witch shouldn't be removed from her domain so carelessly!"

"Shannon-chan, you can stop with the witch stuff, seriously," Battler said a bit more sternly, before he ran his fingers through her hair again as if combing it.

The wig cap dropped onto the ground beside her, and he sat back again with a small satisfactory smile. 

"As a thanks for your servitude, I won't kill you," she muttered, fingers playing with one of the longer locks as her back still faces him. 

"Isn't that dress uncomfortable?"

"I'm not taking it off until we reach land-! Does your perverted mind know no bounds?" 

"You just look cold as hell, is all."

That was true, at least. The fabric stuck to her like a second layer of skin, and the padding on her chest was certainly sagging by now.

"I would remove the water with magic, but your toxins are simply too much for me to use anything.. do you mind swimming ten miles away so I can cast a spell? Kehihi!" 

"Fine," he replied bluntly, standing up and heading towards the steer of the boat. "But if you start shivering, I'm not giving you the choice."

"...Alright," she said quietly in response, pulling her body in close. 

...

_If I jumped again, and kept swimming downward until my lungs gave out, would he be able to catch up?_

Certainly he'd pull her out again, given that her body was much more frail and she had almost no strength to beat him. That _was_ the purpose of the ingot, but of course that failed too. 

_Could I knock him out and let him ride away..?_

That felt.. too cruel. But she was the witch laughing about for hundreds of deaths, was she not? Surely a small act of cruelty for his own sake could be interpreted as kindness eventually. 

_I killed them all thousands of times.. certainly I can handle one more death, right?_

Her hands were shaking again in her lap, head hanging low. She felt even colder now, with the afternoon wind starting to pick up. But she refused to let her body shiver, both out of fear and determination.

_If he keeps dragging me around, he'll never be able to face anyone.._

The witch Beatrice was who she claimed to be in her message bottles, despite signing with Maria's name. So ultimately, she could never be Beatrice again, not if she wanted to avoid endangering Battler's life.

That felt more like a relief than anything. Letting go of a name she was forced into seemed almost like a blessing.

_Far too kind for someone like me._

"Hey, Shannon-chan," Battler spoke up from where he was directing the boat, his expression much calmer than before. "Er, no.. It was Sayo you said, right?"

"...Shannon is fine."

"Feels kinda awkward, but if that's what you want," he shrugged, giving her another smile. It felt more genuine than before. 

She would've said Beatrice, if not for her previous thought. But the next best thing was her two last defense mechanisms- Shannon and Kanon. For now, she couldn't even bear the thought of hearing her own name. 

"I've been wondering for awhile... uh.." he hesitated, "Sorry, I'm not sure how to word this without sounding.. nosy."

She moved her head if only to look up at him, grey-blue eyes mildly curious. 

"What's the deal with Kanon?"

"Are you really worried about that furniture at a time like this? He's dead of course-! I'm sure the bomb blew away his corpse into tiny little bits and pieces, kehihi-!"

"W.. wait.. didn't you say you were him, though?" Battler replied, brows raising. "Thinking back on it, I never saw you two together. Maybe I'm just not as perceptive.. but don't tell me I'm the only one who didn't know."

"Don't worry about it, Battleeeer," she cackled, leaning further forward now and holding her shoulders to cover her chest. "Kanon is of no more concern to either of us."

"But, how? I mean your.." He made a vague gesture towards his own body, and she gave him an annoyed look. 

"I simply used magic to change my body, of course-! It's easy enough for a witch like me to appear as _anyone_ I want. In fact, if I could use magic right now, I would return my golden locks that you so shamelessly ripped off my head-!!"

Clearly not wanting to press the issue further, Battler just nodded and went silent again. She wordlessly thanked him for that. 

...

"Sorry for all the questions.. I'm having a bit of an internal crisis right now, heh."

So he decided to speak again. 

She just looked up at him blankly, before putting on her own apologetic look. He was trying so hard, and she wanted to appreciate him, yet.. 

"Hoh? You disturb me again? What is it this time?" 

He seemed used to her way of speaking by now, sighing as he leaned on one of the benches beside the motor. "Do you.. do you think anyone else survived?"

"Your little sister is back at home, is she not?"

"Yeah, she's safe, but.. everyone else. Are you sure they all died beforehand?"

Her face grows stern, eyes fixated somewhere else. In her head the scene in the VIP room replayed over and over- shouting and gunshots and accusations, low bribes and more fire and a gun pointed at her own face. 

"If they hadn't died before midnight, there's no way they're still alive now," she said solemnly, eyes trailing over the open ocean surrounding them. Not too far in the distance was another island.

_I don't deserve this.._

_I don't deserve any of this._

Despite her own mind, she gathered her small willpower and spoke up again.

"B.. Battler-san."

"Hm?"

"I can't live."

"Shannon-chan-"

Such a blessed name given to a cursed body.

"I can't," she looked directly at him now for the first time since the morning, face pained. "I _can't_... it's not meant for me. I'm a witch, or a servant, or furniture.. but I'm not meant to live outside of Rokkenjima-"

"Sayo."

At the use of her real name, she blinked in surprise. Unconsciously it made her flush up, reminding her of someone long gone, but.. 

"I.. I told you not to.."

"Didn't I promise you that I'd take you off that island? I know I forgot, but I'm making amends starting _now_."

His expression was so real.

"I.. I'm so sorry, Battler-san.." She mumbled, resting her head against the floor of the boat. "I'm sorry.. I'm sorry.."

She wept there, letting her tears meet the water already pooled at the bottom from before. Both for the fact she had caused so much turmoil in his life, and that he believed she deserved this chance at any sort of happiness.. 

The weight shift in the boat told her that he'd gotten up and approached her, but she didn't move an inch, only wishing to sink deeper. If only that rope hadn't broken. 

"Sayo, please put your head up," he asked quietly, setting his hand on her hair. "You didn't do anything wrong, right? There's no reason to apologize to me-!"

"If.. if they hadn't found the gold, I would've.."

"But you didn't."

"Seeing them suffer.. seeing them die-"

"It was awful, I know.."

"-it made me so _happy_ ," she mumbled, voice cracking. "Seeing that terrible Natsuhi take a bullet to the head for everything she'd done to me.. because... because she.."

At that moment, she clamped her hands over her mouth, cursing herself for letting the witch out again for a moment. 

"I'm sorry."

This time it was him apologizing.

"Huh..?"

"I don't know what happened to you, because I was gone for so long," he mumbled, looking off to the side hesitantly. "But I'm sorry. Whatever you went through.. if it was enough to make you feel this way, then it was bad. You have a right to be upset."

"N.. No I don't-! I'm just a bad person, and evil witch, you knowww?" She managed to choke out, a forced smile growing on her lips. "I'm a cruel spirit who sips the finest wines while watching suffering like the latest TV showwww-!!"

For that, she feels a light bump on the head, and a small chuckle. 

"I know you're a good person. Otherwise our family wouldn't have trusted you."

"Look where that trust got them... Ow-! Stop hitting my head, furnituuure-!"

"I'll stop when you quit saying bullshit."

"Tch.. don't you know you're beneath me? I am the family head!"

He took her hands suddenly, bringing them close to his face. Almost instantly she blushed, looking downwards to try and hide herself. 

"Hmm.. I don't see the head's ring," he observed, a smile growing on his face. "That means we're equals."

_Equals.._

"I'm not a human," she muttered, taking her hands away and folding them back in her lap. "But thank you for the sentiment."

_Ah.. I let Kanon out for a moment._

Battler, letting out a huff of annoyance, grabbed her hands again and gave her a serious stare. 

"You're human like me. And look-! We're almost to Niijima," he said excitedly, smile returning. "We can finally get that shoulder of yours looked at."

She had almost forgotten about the dull throbbing by now, but the mention somehow made it flare up again.

Sneezing didn't help much, either. 

It was so sudden that Battler jumped at the noise, and she muttered a small apology while using the next best thing- the sleeve of her dress- as a tissue. Her years of ingrained manners just screamed at her for that one. 

"I told you not to wear that dress," Battler huffed, ruffling her hair again. "And now you've gone and caught a cold."

"I'll be fine.." she mumbled in response, rubbing at her eyes as well. So tired.. 

He noticed this, wrapping a warm arm around her shoulder and gently pulling her closer. Almost as instantly as she felt the comforting touch, she fell into his lap and became unresponsive. All that came was a few small snores. 

"Guess it has been an exhausting few hours," he yawned to himself, eyes watching the island not too far on the horizon. 

His hand gently played with her hair, and he listened to the sound of the waves around them. 

...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> help part 2

When she woke up again, she was no longer in the boat. However the gentle lulling of being carried did manage to stir her, and she rubbed at her eyes for a moment only to be met with a view of Battler.

"Are we on Niijima..?" She asked tiredly, head looking around. For a second, she was not a witch, just a confused girl. 

"Yeah, I didn't wanna wake you," he laughed lightly, "We're in the outskirts of the town, but I'm taking you to the doctor."

Her blood froze then, eyes growing wide and heart dropping. Could she even avoid this?

"It.. it's fine, Battler-san.. I could take the bullet out myself, with some time. I don't want to be a burden.." she mumbled, hand instinctively moving to cover her wound. 

_They'll want to make sure I have no other injuries.. they'll tell him._

"I'm sorry, Shannon-chan," he huffed, a bit more sternly. "You don't get a choice in this at all. If you tried to get it yourself, you'd definitely bleed out."

"I'll use magic then-!"

"You're going to the doctor."

She let out a small, defeated sigh, messing with still somewhat wet strands of hair. _I can't go there.._

"Excuse me ma'am, which way is the Niijima Clinic?" Battler asked some woman passing by them, and he lets out a small 'thanks' when she points towards the east part of town. 

"You.. you don't have the money to pay for a doctor visit," she said suddenly, brow furrowed. "I sunk it to the bottom of the sea, remember?"

"I'm an Ushiromiya, Shannon-chan," he sighed, "I just inherited my dad's multimillion dollar company, and basically everything else if we're the only survivors."

She went quiet again, dipping her head to let her bangs cover her face. 

_That's my fault, isn't it..?_

Lips gently pressed against her head, jolting her out of her thoughts as her heart skipped a beat. 

"Ba..."

"Ihihi, that's payback for before," he chuckled, a melancholy smile on his face. "Don't think too hard about what happened right now. You need to get that shoulder fixed."

She let out a sneeze in response, mumbling a tiny apology as she wiped at her face with her dress sleeve again. 

...

The white walls made her somewhat anxious. Although Battler was sitting right outside the door, she wished he was present, at least. 

_Even if he saw me.._

_He'd probably leave if he did. This is for the best._

She holds her knees anxiously in the spare, uncomfortable dress they gave her. They had allowed her to change in private, but it didn't mean her bra wasn't still wet. 

A nurse stepped into the room quietly, taking a seat at the desk beside the examining table and giving her a polite smile. 

"Are you Yasuda Sayo?" She asked, layers of sugar coating her voice. 

"Yes."

"You and your friend there.. he says you're survivors of an incident on the next island over? And that you've been shot?"

"That's right.."

"Poor thing," the nurse mumbled softly, smile never faltering. "I'm not the police, so I won't ask much, but I need to know some things to tell the doctor. How old are you now?"

"S.. sixteen." That was what all her legal documents said, anyway.

"When was the last time you had a general checkup?"

"Um.. I don't remember. I was probably a child..." she trailed off, head down. "I'm sorry."

"Any allergies?"

"No."

"Do either of you have a legal guardian we can contact?"

"Battler-san has grandparents on his stepmother's side.. I believe their family name is Sumadera. I don't have any guardians."

"Who's been taking care of you all these years, then?"

"My employers."

"I see," the nurse hummed politely, clearly disturbed by whatever turn of events she'd now been involved in. "Do you mind having an examination today? Doctor Masahiro will still take care of your wound."

"I don't need an exam. Please just take the bullet out."

"We will, dear, but you could have other underlying issues to be addressed- it's required. Had you been examined by someone recently, perhaps we could skip it, but.."

She bit her lip, refusing the urge to glare at this woman. Perhaps it was the years of etiquette training and yelling from Madam holding her back now. 

"Fine."

"I'll ask you a few more general questions, and then I'll get the doctor," the nurse seemed relieved that no argument was started. "Do you have any strange bumps or bruises you're concerned about? Besides your wound, of course."

"No."

"How about your period, has it been regular?"

"...Yes."

"When did you first get it?"

"Um.. three years ago. When I was thirteen."

"No lumps on your breasts, either?"

"N.. no."

"That's good," the nurse smiled, "I'm sorry if these questions are a little uncomfortable-! But you don't seem to have any deadly conditions, at least."

"It.. it's alright."

_I'm sorry for lying._

"I need to do some physical checks, but nothing too personal. Is that okay?"

"Sure."

All the woman did was feel down her back for more bumps, tap at her legs for reflexes, and check her eyes and such. Which was a small relief, at least. 

"I'll go send for the doctor, you stay put, alright?" 

She just nodded quietly, keeping her seat on the examination table. Her legs were shaking, both from her unanswered fears and the guilt she felt at lying to that woman. 

When the door opened again, she expected to see a doctor, but instead it was a familiar boy poking his head in. 

"Is everything okay in here?" He asked gently, smiling at her. Despite everything, that smile still made her heart ache. "They made me take some exam, even though I'm not injured.. lame, right?"

"Yeah.." she said quietly in response, giving him her own weak smile. "I had to take one as well. The doctor is coming to look at my shoulder.."

"Eh, looks like that's him now," Battler said, looking down the hall for a moment. "I better go. I'll talk to you soon, Shannon-chan-!"

Sure enough, a stout man who reminded her somewhat of Dr. Nanjo entered the room, looking over something on his clipboard. There wasn't really a resemblance, but Nanjo was the only doctor she ever knew. 

"Yasuda-san," the man addressed her, walking over. "Do you mind showing me the wound?"

She did as he asked and gently pulled away the collar of her dress, revealing the bruising flesh underneath and the hole in the center. It was no longer bleeding due to the bullet stopping the flow, but it still stung from salt water and no treatment. 

"Ah, we've caught it before it got infected, it seems. Good.." he mumbled, scratching his chin stubble. "Only the issue seems to have been affected, and it doesn't look too deep.. We may be able to remove it without much damage."

As he continued mumbling to himself, she remained silent, only answering when prompted. How far away was the shot, what kind of gun, and many similar questions.

He asked her to lay down and she did as such, keeping the collar pushed away from her to expose the wound. He mulled over it for awhile, flashing a light that occasionally got in her eye and using a gloved finger to poke around the bruising. 

"Normally we'd need parental consent for a surgery, but seeing as this is an emergency, and you've already said you have no one, it's at our discretion. I can numb you and perform it today, but you'll need to change into scrubs so the area is accessible."

"That's fine. Just get it done, please." 

...

The past few hours had passed by in a blur, with her zoning out the moment they told her she couldn't wear a bra with the scrubs. Something about the strap getting in the way of the process. 

Normally she'd become hyperaware of her actions the moment her last defenses were stripped, but instead she felt herself slipping into old habits. Ignoring everything unless spoken to.

Maybe that was why work as Kanon was always far more enjoyable- he didn't have to interact with anyone more than necessary. There was no keeping up a polite facade and smiling at everyone. 

_Except her, of course.._

The memories made the girl feel better for a moment, instead opting to return her focus to the newfound pain in her shoulder. The numbing agent had worn off an hour ago, and she had been admitted to a proper room to recover in once the surgery was over. 

Battler was sleeping in one of the chairs, and she had carefully covered herself with a blanket to hide her chest. 

_I'm so tired._

Sleeping meant letting her already in shambles guard down once again, despite her exhaustion. She had been lucky enough to get the surgeons to say nothing about her body- all that bribery on the dopes in the Ushiromiya family had paid off- but she had barely managed to keep herself away from him. 

Every hug, touch, or glance made her self aware. She kept her back turned, her body at an angle where the scrubs would fill with air and seem natural. Anything to hide the truth, at the very least. 

The doctors had not said anything about her chest. They had not checked her body. And they had avoided seeing the broken, mangled doll underneath the cloth. 

"Shannon-chan," Battler's voice spoke out in the dim room, eyes meeting hers. "You're awake, right?"

"Of course, I'm working on a healing spell. Why?"

"I got a call from Kyrie-san's parents, the ones that had been taking care of Ange.." he started, sounding uncertain. "They said Eva oba-san showed up in the afternoon, looking for Ange. She's staying there at the moment."

"Eva-sama survived..?" 

_I saw her get shot._

"Apparently so. But she tried to show up and take Ange away, calling Kyrie-san's parents murderers.. guess she was convinced to stay and wait for any other survivors to call."

"I see."

The silence hung heavy between them after that, and she hoped he had just fallen asleep again, but every time she looked up she saw those eyes staring directly at her. Concerned more than anything. 

_I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have survived._

_I could've tried to save Maria or Oujo-sama.. Someone with more worth than me, at least._

She still wasn't sure how much relief the news of Eva's survival brought her. On the one hand, it meant she had more of an opportunity to get away and leave the Ushiromiyas to themselves. And on the other hand, that same wedge was piercing her body ten times over.

_None of them are going to need me around.. Certainly Eva-sama won't be as forgiving of my sins as Battler is._

_I'm selfish for wanting to stay, aren't I?_

Of course that tiny glimmer of hope still existed somewhere in her chest- the belief that she might be accepted. That she wouldn't be cast aside for her body, and forgiven for her sins. It was that same hope that caused her to set up the game in the first place. 

_Somebody stop me. Somebody please hold me and say it'll be okay._

"I had forgotten to say anything about you surviving to Kyrie-san's parents," Battler said suddenly, voice more solemn than usual. He gave her a.. meaningful look, one that she couldn't initially decipher. 

"Hoh? You truly are incompetent, Battler," she tsked, pulling her knees up to her chest and hiding her face in them. "How could you forget someone like me?"

"I think.. it'd better if you told them you survived," he replied, scratching at the back of his neck. "I didn't wanna pronounce Shannon or Kanon alive just yet."

"...Thank you."

...


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kanon arrives on the scene

Finally she was to be released today, after spending far too long in a hospital bed under scrutinizing eyes. The first thing she did was find her bra again- stored alongside her witch's dress. At least now she could stop hiding underneath a blanket. 

"Before we head to the mainland, I think we'd better get some new clothes. I mean, the stuff they gave us at the clinic was okay, but my suit is basically ruined now," Battler sighed, folding his arms behind his head as they walked down the street. 

She was wearing her witch's dress still, which obviously got some looks, but there was no other way to properly transport it. She wasn't going to toss it out, either. 

"I don't need any other clothes," she replied softly, "I.. I'm sorry, it's rude to reject your offer, isn't it? That would be nice."

"I mean, I wouldn't force you to anyway," he shrugged, "I just wanted to get something for myself, and figured you'd be fine with new clothes too. We don't have to buy much, just enough to get to Kyrie-san's parents."

The department store they arrived at was large, and it brought her back to the last time she had actually shopped. Of course, working for a wealthy family with two paychecks at once had already given her more than enough personal funds, but she rarely spent them. Even less so when she gained control of the entire fortune.

But she still had tried to buy some simple pretty dresses for herself, and a few things for Kanon as well. Perhaps it was easier to buy things for yourself under the guise it was for your sibling. 

Battler grabbed her hand suddenly, jolting her from her thoughts again as he pulled her along into the store. Though, he soon let go of it.

"I'm gonna go check out the mens, so you can go ahead and do your thing."

"Battler-san.. I'd like to come too, if that's okay."

His brow raised, but he said nothing, only nodding and taking her hand again. It was a comforting hold, at least. One that provided minimum safety in a world she didn't belong to.

...

"I'm going to be Kanon for awhile," he said bluntly, meeting back up with Battler at the entrance when they had both finished shopping. 

He had gotten a bag big enough to hold the witch's dress luckily, and Battler managed to get his grandparents to wire funds over to them for now. At least for plane tickets and basic needs. 

"That's fine," The other boy shrugged, swinging a bag over his shoulder. "Then we'll tell Eva oba-san that you survived?"

"If I were to be Shannon, she could figure out I'm the witch as well.. I can't risk the anti-magic toxin," Kanon explained, keeping his gaze downward. 

_Always hiding.._

...

Kanon stood stiffly in the doorway beside Battler, a lumpy bag in one hand and another clenched tight against his side. 

_I shouldn't be here.._

What right did he have to try and be apart of a family he destroyed? One that he cursed only days ago?

There's a click on the other side and it opens to reveal an older looking woman, one who does in fact have some resemblance to her late daughter. It almost makes a chill run up Kanon's spine, a memory of a barrel pointed at his face not too long ago. Surely Eva held the same sentiments, at least. 

"Battler-kun, I'm glad to see you," Sumadera greeted, a smile gracing her face. "You've brought a friend?"

"This is Kanon, he's another survivor," Battler explained quickly, setting a gentle hand on the shorter boy's shoulder. "I forgot to mention it on our phone call, since he was asleep at the time. My bad-!"

"It's very nice to meet you, Kanon-kun," the old woman nodded at him, before stepping out of the way to allow the boys inside. 

Of course, the Sumadera's were a family about as wealthy as the Ushiromiya clan was, and it was unsurprising the home was well taken care of. Even still, it was simple. 

"Eva-san is on a phone call right now, but, ah... Ange-chan-! Your brother is here-!" The woman calls into the house, and almost immediately there's hurried footsteps against the wooden floor. 

Kanon barely has time to blink before a small girl flung herself against Battler's leg, and he bent down to pat her head. 

"I knew Onii-chan would come home-! Please don't leave again, okay? You promise?" Ange mumbled into the taller boy's clothing, and he let out a laugh. 

"Of course, of course. I'm glad to see you again, Ange-chan," Battler responded easily. The pain in his voice was clear to Kanon, but nobody else in the room appeared to pick up on it. 

*Her parents killed everyone. I would've done it myself if they hadn't. I would've taken them all away from her, wouldn't I..?*

He'd met Ange at the conferences before, but only as Shannon typically. He doubted she remembered him at all, seeing as how she was only six. 

_Only six.. yet I was ready to ruin her entire life._

His stomach dropped further watching the scene unfold. Two siblings reuniting and feeling safe among each other. Something he so desperately was prepared to rip away forever for his own selfish sake.

_I shouldn't be here._

"Ah.. Sumadera-san, could you direct me towards the bathroom?" He asked the older woman with the most polite look he could muster. "It's been a long trip."

"Of course, it's just down that hall."

"Thank you very much," he nodded, turning and heading the direction she pointed. The moment he was out of sight, he clenched at his stomach. Him and Battler had stopped for breakfast before coming, but he hadn't expected this feeling. 

Locking the door behind him hurriedly, the boy tried to stay as quiet as possible as he let his meal back out. It proved to be a difficult task, but it's nothing he couldn't handle, at least.

He had to spend a bit leaning over the seat quietly regaining his breath, though. 

When he decided to be done, he goes for the sink and washes his face. Maybe Eva would just give him money and tell him to run off somewhere. Maybe Battler would follow, and leave Ange with Eva.

_I couldn't.._

He feels heat pooling behind his eyes at his own thoughts, but simply washes at his skin more aggressively. Maybe it can scrape some of the sins off of his body. 

His eyes meet themselves in the mirror, and it takes every bone in his body to find the strength not to shatter it into pieces. 

_I really am a cruel witch, aren't I?_

...

"Kanon-kun, it's good to see you again." Eva was the first one to acknowledge him entering the room, a tired look in her eyes but an usual spark of real empathy in her voice. 

"I'm glad you're alive and well, Eva-sama," he replied curtly, politely taking a seat beside Battler on the couch facing her. He folded his hands in his lap like he was taught to, even though his instinct was already cursing him for sitting down in the first place. 

"Battler-kun told me about Shannon-chan, I'm very sorry," she only nodded in turn, a strange strain underneath. "It seems we've all suffered a great loss. She was your sister, no?"

"Nee-san and I weren't actual siblings, only close friends."

"Still, I.." Eva's calm gaze faltered for a moment, and she turns turned head downwards. Her face contorted into something pained, and it made Kanon want to puke again. 

_I did that._

"I'm sorry," she quickly apologized, giving them a weak smile. "I truly am glad to see you both alive and well. I was terrified it would be only Ange-chan and I after all of this. I can't imagine having to tell her.."

"It's alright, Eva oba-san," Battler spoke up this time, a hesitant smile on his face as well. "We'll tell Ange-chan eventually, but for now let's be grateful there's no one we need to point fingers at."

_Natsuhi screaming. A gunshot. More panicked screams._

_It was an_ accident.

Kanon kept his glare to himself, instead focusing on the teacup in his lap. 

_I'm sick._

"There is one thing I'd like to discuss, seeing as the two of you are old enough to understand."

"Eh, what's that?" 

"The golden witch... Do you think she survived?"

...


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> every yasu fic got da mirror scene (1/?)

"The golden witch... did she survive?"

Kanon's heart stilled, hands nearly dropping the tea cup he had so carefully held up to his lips to avoid the conversation. 

Battler had immediately noticed his reaction out of the corner of his eye, clearing his throat and giving his signature calming laugh. Just the sound of it somehow managed to lessen Kanon's shaking, even by a little. 

"Golden witch? You mean like the one in that creepy letter? I thought that was just a prank by that old geezer..!" The boy exclaims like it's the most amusing joke in the world. Like he doesn't know the truth, like the cruel witch in question isn't sitting beside him innocently hiding. 

"Ah, that's right, you wouldn't know.." Eva trails off, voice beginning to shake once more. She looked half stuck between explaining and letting it sit there; but, some angel on her shoulder won, and she opened her mouth again. 

"Your parents, and well.. your aunts and uncles, too. We had all solved that epitaph together.. It led us to a hidden room under the island. That gold was there, all of it. There was.. so, _so_ much.." 

She seemed to pause for a moment, placing a gloved hand against her temple. In that moment, she almost reminded Kanon of the late Natsuhi, who so often nursed headaches when speaking. The late Natsuhi, whose head Eva had unapologetically blown to bits.

_There was so much blood, even from where I sat..._

The loud bang followed by a sickening crack and the sound of flesh falling to the floor. 

_Was I.. really prepared to do that myself?_

_It made me so happy, didn't it? Then why do I feel so sick?_

"It's alright, Eva oba-san, take your time," Battler said beside him encouragingly, briefly distracting him from his own downward thoughts. Kanon half wanted to reach out and lean into him like he had in that tunnel, get lost in the warmth and forget about his situation. 

But he stayed put, emptily gazing down at the black tea in his cup and thinking of all the times he'd spilled a drink similar.

Eva's sob story would have to be satisfying background noise for now, even if Kanon already knew most of the story himself. Battler had known nothing besides the few things the boy had mentioned to him himself, and even that was.. barely anything. 

"In that room.. she was there," Eva continues, having cleared her throat with a few small sips of her own drink. "The witch from father's portrait- she had been waiting for us. She said she was Beatrice, and the gold was ours, and she.. she showed us a mechanism, in the clock." 

Kanon winces, wishing he could dip his head down further into himself. _I wonder if I could use the bathroom excuse again.. but I just went, so it wouldn't work. Damn._

"I'm sure you realized the island exploded, however it was you managed to escape.. but that witch, she said she set up a bomb. The clock was the mechanism, but she turned it off when we arrived there. Of course, I didn't believe her at first, but.. well, I had to give the benefit of a doubt. And I truly believe she did intend to let us all off the hook.. If it weren't for-"

The woman had been talking rather freely and honestly until then, a glossy look overtaking her eyes as she recalled events. But there was a sudden pause, lasting far too long, where her brow furrowed and her eyes began to grow red. 

"I'm.. sorry, I can tell you the rest later," she said with finality, standing up with her now empty cup. It was easy to see how tightly she clenched the handle in her hand, as though it was the only thing on this earth that wouldn't betray her. Kanon somehow understood that feeling, at least. 

"Don't worry about it!" Battler pipes up again, setting a hand on his thigh and forcing up another smile for her. "We've got all the time in the world together, so really don't worry. You too, Kanon-kun."

The sudden address actually _towards_ him and not _about_ him half-jump out of his seat. Luckily his tea was mostly gone, otherwise he'd have probably spilled it.

"Ah.. yes.." He mumbles in response, shifting slightly. He can feel Eva's scrutinizing gaze on him, the same one he's always felt. It's somehow softer than usual, but still piercing. 

_Keep my face down.._ Of course, he'd spent at least two years as Kanon, and nobody ever commented on his similarities to Shannon. Based on the prior conversation, it seemed Eva believed them to be siblings. Now that she knew..

_Don't overthink it. Even Madam never saw through, so it's.._

"That witch.. her face seemed familiar, but perhaps I'm just recalling the portrait," Eva said suddenly, her tone of voice nearly _nostalgic_ given how violent it sounded. 

"Ihihi, well that woman _was_ pretty distinct, since she looked western," Battler came in for the save, rubbing the back of his neck. He moved a hand to pat Kanon reassuringly on the shoulder. 

"Should I go get Ange? Since we-"

"Oh, I'll go find her," Eva interrupted, giving a close-eyed smile the complete opposite of her previous cold demeanor. "I'd like to take any opportunities to get to know her better.. I hope you don't mind, Battler-kun."

"Of course not!" He responded brightly, returning her smile. "If we can see Ange-chan remaining happy through all this, I'm sure the rest of us will follow suit."

Kanon fiddled with the now empty cup in his lap, face burning. He wants to leave. 

_I don't belong here. I shouldn't be apart of this. I should be_ dead.

"Then I'll leave you two for now," Eva nodded, slipping out of the parlor. 

Now it was just them, and a ticking of a clock from somewhere in the room. 

"Kanon-kun--" Battler started, but Kanon immediately talks above him. 

"Please don't. I'm... I'm just Kanon. I don't know anything about witches, or gold. I'm just a servant of the Ushiromiya family, just _furniture_ \-- so please don't ask how I feel about all that."

Battler went quiet at that, blinking as though he was both processing those words and thinking of a rebuke at the same time.

"Geez, maybe I was just gonna ask about the weather, ihihi," he tried instead, before placing a tentative hand on Kanon's own.

The touch startled him, but everything made him feel like a skittish cat these past few days.. If anything, this was more comforting. 

_Whatever... this is._

He hadn't explained it. He had said nothing about it at all. Not who his parents were, not who Jessica or Maria or _Battler_ was to him. Not who he was under all these layers of clothing.

To Battler.. he was probably just a childhood female friend, one who had some strange ideas about clothing and presentation. Playing make-believe at being a boy for fun, and yet he would willingly play along. Because Sayo was his friend, who he'd probably feel guilty about abandoning after everything. 

_We are just friends. We'll stay as just friends. We've always been_ friends.

Promises made as kids.. those are just silly made up things. They held no weight against reality. 

_Really... why did he save me? Why did he take me from the island?_

Some sort of chivalric duty? Or did he truly wish to keep his promises after all this time? He couldn't help but feel his chest wrench, maybe from the aftereffects of the cold he'd had.

"Sayo."

The use of her real, given name startled her again. 

Kanon blinked up at the boy beside him, visibly distraught despite how hard he fought internally to keep it down. 

"...It's Kanon," he just said bluntly, pulling his hand back and setting it closer to himself. His gaze shifted away, elsewhere in the room. His head felt light again.

"Then I'm talking to Sayo," Battler huffed, abruptly taking her hand back in his and holding it with both. "I can tell there's something bugging you- so why don't you tell me?"

_I shouldn't have been born. I want to die. I'm not even human, and you're wasting your time on me._

"Kehihi, just thinking about how _stupid_ you were to take me from the golden land. Now you'll be cursed for the rest of your days- can you really live with that, Ushiromiya Battleeerrr?" 

The clock ticked on in the background, and her old mask went on like a perfect fit. It was fine to be Beato only around him... 

Just anyone but Sayo.

...

Later that evening, the question on everyone's minds had finally been approached, unknowingly, by one Ushiromiya Ange; she'd fallen asleep on the couch leaning into Battler. 

Eva blinked at the girl's sleeping form as though she hadn't even thought about _where_ they'd sleep, and Kanon couldn't help but understand. Most of his thoughts today had been plagued by, well.. the tragedy which they had just escaped from. 

_Orchestrated by your own hand, thousands of times,_ Someone said.

"I'm sure Ange-chan has somewhere to sleep here if she had been staying the night while we were.." Eva trailed off, hands shifting on her lap as though she wanted to pull back those words. Abruptly, she stood, "I'll go ask Sumadera-san."

Battler looked close to dozing off as well, azure eyes occasionally drifting closed as he leaned back into the couch as well, one hand resting gently on the small of Ange's back beside him. 

Kanon stared. He hadn't even noticed he'd been staring until those eyes were looking directly back at him. 

"Hm..? Something up, Kanon-kun..?" He asked in a low mumble, blinking a few times and glancing around as though he'd just woken up from a long slumber. 

The other boy was about to respond and assure him, _no_ , he was most certainly not staring at him, but light footsteps told them both that Eva had returned. 

"Luckily, Sumadera-san said that there's three guest bedrooms. One Ange-chan had already been using, so I'll take her there," She offered, stepping over with a strained smile to reach for the sleeping girl. 

Battler shifted a little to allow her some access, and removed his hand from his sister's head, but he suddenly blinked again and pursed his lips. 

"Hey, where will Kanon-kun sleep..? Should Ange stay with me, then? That'll be fine," he reasoned aloud. Eva stared at him, then looked at Kanon, with a look chock full of _oh, you're still there._

That was probably fair on her end.. from Eva's perspective, this was a family issue. And he was just a servant who had worked for the family a few years, nothing more. Maybe if he was Shannon, then-

_No,_ a few cold words that felt like years ago echoed through his head. _She'd treat me worse then._

Oh well, he was Kanon now. Unless he wanted to come clean suddenly about everything (out of the question), that meant staying as Kanon. Even if..

"Please do not worry about me, Battler-sama.." he responded with the same cold, unattached tone he'd always used on the island. "I don't mind using the couch. I'd rather you all-"

"Eh? I didn't even think much about it, but we're both guys right? We can just share a room. Those girls are all about their personal space after all, ihihi-!" Battler interjected him, slapping a hand on his shoulder with his usual smile. 

Eva gave some kind of _look_ , but ultimately held back whatever likely demeaning comment she probably wanted to make towards Kanon in that moment. Perhaps one gain from all this would be a slightly, just slightly, more benevolent Ushiromiya Eva.

"Ah.. uhm.." Kanon wasn't exactly sure how to respond to the proposal, staring down at his hands so harshly he was sure they'd burn into bits with the last traces of that witch's magic. "That's fine, then.. Thank you."

What more could he say? They were both _boys_ , so this.. it meant nothing. Battler was extending a hand to his friend, Kanon. It wasn't.. it didn't mean anything else. 

_But even Kanon remembers the feeling of his lips._

...Sayo had never kissed anyone before then. She had no parents, so she'd never experienced the soft peck of a mother on her forehead. And she'd had no playground crush to hold hands with as a little girl.. Even Battler, when they were younger, was someone she could only dream about even holding hands with. 

But.. for all those years she'd been with George, she hadn't kissed him. Some mumble about chastity on her end, the same excuse she pulled for that night in Okinawa. Even that small act was something not meant for someone like her. 

George, Jessica, Battler... the thought of gaining a real relationship with any of them had always been too much to bear. Whenever her mind wandered beyond that, to what _real_ couples did... she shut down that train of thought. As furniture, it was something she'd never be able to achieve, so why even begin to acknowledge it with the first step of a kiss?

She didn't know what came over her when she kissed him that day. 

Maybe it was the fear of dying without ever having kissed someone, or maybe it was her own last ditch effort to stop herself. Maybe after everything, she thought that if that one act was reciprocated, it would give her enough of a push to move forward. 

_But that will never be enough for you, will it? You always want more and more, things you can't have. Why can't furniture be happy?_

"Then that settles it," Eva spoke again, knocking Kanon out of his thoughts almost immediately. Ange was now in her arms, conscious enough to tell that she was no longer with her brother but too sleepy to care. She simply leaned into her aunt's shoulder, dozing off once again. 

"Have a good night, Eva oba-san-!" Battler nodded to her as she took the sleeping girl away, and Kanon could only echo him.

"Goodnight, Eva-sama.."

So they were alone again. 

"Guess I should go ask Sumadera where the room is," Battler shrugged, standing up and stretching his arms a bit, stiff from staying in the same position for Ange's sake.

Kanon only nodded again solemnly, mind elsewhere as he followed along. And before he knew it, the two of them were standing alone in a decently-sized western style bedroom. 

It seemed like in recent years having 'western' rooms had become more popular among the elderly.. or maybe those with some relation to the Ushiromiya family were bound to find themselves in this position. The whole house had been somewhat of a mix-match of both traditional and western setups, but Kanon really hadn't known what to expect for the guest rooms.

Maybe he was hoping for futons so that he could avoid the awkward situation of having to share the bed with a boy. Or maybe he just felt sick at the opportunities implied by a single full-sized mattress. None of which he'd ever admit to thinking about. 

"Damn.. almost feels like we're at that old bastard's mansion," Battler commented, dumping the only two bags they had with them on the ground. One for the few clothes the two of them had bought prior, and one for the clothes they had been wearing when they left the island. 

Even Battler remained careful not to mistreat the dress, as tattered as it was by now. Being shoved into a bag was certainly bad for it, though, so Kanon didn't see much of a point to his efforts, as heart-warming as they were. 

Kanon only stood in the doorway quietly, watching Battler venture around the room like a stray cat to check out the few things within it. A nightstand, a dresser, a small bathroom off the side, the bed, and a tea table set in the corner. 

Sitting above the dresser was a mirror attached to the wall. Kanon only met his own gaze once before he decidedly remained fixated on the floor instead. The last thing he needed was to destroy someone else's possession. 

"I'll be in the restroom," He announced bluntly, disappearing into the small spot as though he wanted to escape the suffering air of that bed as fast as possible. Shutting the door behind him, he gave the room a quick once-over.

The first thing that caught his eye was the mirror hanging above the sink. There wasn't much else to look at since the room was so small.

Looking back at him was a pale, pathetic looking Kanon. But it was the same one he'd always remembered seeing. That was probably why it was so easy to be Kanon- he could just be the ugly, boy-ish lump that she really was, without all the strings attached.

But even still, she felt her heart wrench. It was so easy to become Kanon, and yet she felt nothing but knives digging into her skin whenever her hair was straightened and her bra was off. 

_Anything else but this... is just asking too much._

If she could just be happy as Kanon, why would she ever need anything else? This was how she was supposed to be born.. this was how it was always meant to be. 

_So why do I have such a longing in my chest..? Why do I want to throw on that bra again..?_

It was something she still couldn't explain to herself. _I don't need Shannon. I don't need Beato. I can.. just be Kanon, right?_

The memory of when she'd first conceived him.. it still felt fresh. 

_I want to die. I want to live a new life._

This was her new life. Her second chance. So why was she still unhappy? _This is what I wanted, right? To be Kanon?_

_You want to be Sayo._

_I don't. I can't._

_Look in that mirror,_ a voice called, so familiar yet alien. Her eyes managed to trail back up again, meeting nothing but cold hands forcing her face to stare forward, back at herself. 

It's a pathetic sight of someone she wished she didn't know. 

_You want someone to love that. But you know no one would, right?_

_You know no one would love a murderer, right?_

"I know," she only whispered in response. There was nobody there to listen.

Her fists balled at her sides as she wished the image would disappear from before her. If she tried hard enough maybe that witch's magic would make it disappear into a hundred golden butterflies, and she would see nothing but the wall. But no matter how hard she stared and willed for it to happen, teary eyes only stared right back. 

_I want you to disappear. Why won't you disappear?_

Maybe the last of the witch's magic had sunken down with that gold bar, never to return. 

In her eyes was nothing but red now, and sooner or later her ears rang and she never heard the loud crash of broken glass that followed. 

The witch's magic returned. Nothing but the reflection of different parts of the wall shined back at her, black gaps in between where shards had fallen to the floor. There was something hot running down her hand and wrist. 

"Sayo-!"

Someone called out for her, but she only collapsed to the ground, still seeing dizzy red and lifting a bloody hand to her gaze. Some large shard not far off reflected her form, hunched over and pitiful and all sorts of ugly. Untouchable. 

_So why? Why is he doing this?_

Arms gently wrapped around her to pull her closer to safety, and she had no energy to fight it anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> x__x

"Sayo, you're-- What are you doing-?!" Battler's voice felt miles away in her ears. Underwater, even, as much as the phrase made her want to topple over. 

The pain in her hand subsided into a faint buzz, warm blood becoming nothing but a comforting presence as her mind fell away from the situation. Down, down into her world..

"Sayo, are you listening?! Shit, doesn't that old woman have any bandages in here..?" whatever the boy had been saying was completely drowned out now, her blue eyes staring blankly at the floor, unseeing. Not even her pitiful reflection in the remains of the mirror managed to catch her sight. 

_Don't touch me. Don't help me._

Hands were on her own, something tight wrapping around the cuts and making them feel even worse. It was such a sloppy job, really. Still more than deserved. 

"Don't touch me," she mumbled, voice barely above a whisper. 

"Huh?" He looked up from his work for a moment, nothing but genuine concern in his eyes. She could tell a million tales from those blue orbs alone, about how all he wanted to do was get her bandaged up, help her, figure out _why_.

_You wanted that so bad, didn't you?_

"Don't touch me."

Her voice was louder then, a bit more confident but all the more strained. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, but reluctantly let go of her hand. The loss of that warmth seemed to be the final straw, because only a moment later she felt her face heat up and something hot running down her cheeks. 

Yet another hand was extended towards her, hovering above her shoulder as though ready to pull her into a hug. Nothing but concerned eyes, a slightly open mouth probably ready to say something along the lines of ' _it's okay_ ', and more words of sweet comfort. 

"Don't touch me," she repeated again, a last line of defense. He took his hand back and remained seated there, only watching in heavy silence as she hung her own head. Dark bangs obscured her face from view, nothing filling the silence aside from breathy sobs.

The air felt thick. Suffocating even. 

"Sayo-" Battler tried again after some of the crying subsided into empty shivers running through her body. The same warm hand extended to her shoulder, bravely setting down this time. 

Before she could fight back, she'd been pulled in close to that warmth, blurry vision pressed up against a now filthy shirt, slightly bloodied hands pressed against her back to hold her tight. As though they wouldn't let go again, like in a moment she'd disappear--

"Don't.." is all she managed to cough out, inhaling a sharp, wet breath and shutting her eyes. She wanted to push him away. Call him an idiot. Laugh. Say it was some ploy to earn his trust, and revel in the sight of his betrayed expression. 

_But that all remains in fiction. It's not real._

She didn't have the power to push against him, weak fingers only clenching shirt in tight balled up pieces, face pressed so hard into his chest she was sure she'd open up a hole. 

_I'm so wrong._

"You don't tell me anything," is all he said, quietly as she could feel his chin resting on the top of her head. Two bodies close on the floor, probably the closest she's ever felt anyone, and yet.. 

"The bomb, the drowning, now this... You still haven't told me anything. If George-aniki or Jessica can't be here, then I'll remain in their place to support you, but-"

"I don't want that."

"Then what do you want?"

"I-"

_I want to die. I want to leave. I want to stop ruining your life._

Shifting back in his hold slightly, he avoided any eye contact, gaze downward. 

_I wanted to die so bad. Why didn't you let me die?_

_I want to find out why you think I should live. But I don't think I should know, because..._

Many things.. remained unsaid.

As though collecting himself, the smaller boy pushes his bangs from his face and puts more distance between them, though Battler's arms remain around his waist. Years ago, maybe he would be fawning over such a position with a boy, but..

"I killed your family," is all he says, voice flat but without any falter. Absentmindedly, he steadies himself on his hands to push himself back onto his feet, but the sudden pressure on his cut up hand surprises him. 

"Ah-"

There's a quiet thump as Kanon's chin bumps into something softer than tile, those hands still wrapped around his waist, closer now. 

He'd fallen on top of Battler, pressing the other back onto the floor. 

Instinctively Kanon finds his face heat up, but he's slightly less ashamed when he notices Battler is flustered as well (wait- flustered-? At this?)

"I'm.. I'm sorry.. my hand.." he mumbles off as a quick apology, pushing again to try and scramble onto his feet, but ultimately hissing in sharp pain. It seemed there were still some shards left, otherwise it shouldn't hurt this much.. He'll have to take them out himself. 

Battler immediately noticed the other trying to untie the bandages, grabbing his hand closely. 

"Sayo, you shouldn't-"

"Onii-chan? Why are you on the floor?"

"A.. Ange-!" Battler's head immediately swivels to the side, all surprise and mild embarrassment written on his face. The six year old in question was standing a little ways away from the bathroom door, dressed in her pajamas. 

"Shouldn't you be in bed by now? Where's Eva oba-san?" Battler questions, finally letting go of Kanon's hand in favor of shuffling over to his sister to pat her on the head.

"I woke up, and said I wanted to see Onii-chan. She said I could if I went to sleep afterwards," Ange replies with a huff, clearly displeased about something. 

_Probably the fact it's her aunt, and not her parents telling her to sleep.._

"Is that so? Well how about I carry you back to your bed? Piggyback ride and everything!" Battler offers, putting up a smile. Kanon can't help but feel like he's intruding on something, pulling his legs close and leaning his head on top. Anything to be out of that girl's direct view. 

"Is Kanon-kun injured?" She asks, ever vigilant and clearly noticing both the remains of blood on Battler's free hand and the bandages on Kanon's own. The shorter boy quietly wishes he could sink into the earth.

"He just had a small accident, but we fixed him up. All's good now!" Battler assures her, standing up and swooping her onto his shoulders in one fluid motion. Despite how little time he's probably spent with her the last few years, it seems to be natural to him at this point. 

_He doesn't need me.. he has Ange and Eva.. so why...?_

"Why did he say that stuff about killing our family?" 

Kanon wishes he could die in that moment, heart falling so far in his chest he's sure it would stop. Battler seems to hold his breath as well, before stifling out a laugh. 

"What're you talking about? Your tired brain is probably mishearing things, Ange," He just shrugs, letting her settle into place on his shoulders. "Be right back, Kanon-kun! You should take the chance to shower!"

"...Right."

Footsteps tell him the two have left the room for now, Kanon remaining on the floor in silence. His injured hand lays uselessly beside him, eyes unable to do anything besides stare at the nothing before him. 

"He defended me.." she mumbles quietly, barely above a whisper, before an uncertain smirk finds its way onto her face. 

"...Perhaps I should be cackling in victory at Battler finally accepting the illusion of the witch."

A dry laugh follows, her head leaning back against the wall as she closes her eyes. 

Her hand clenches and loosens, nearly in time with her shaky breathing. Lately it had become harder and harder to breathe. She briefly wondered whether that was truly due to nearly drowning, or if her lungs were being choked out by the sprouts eternally nestled by her heart.

"Battler.." 

A hand is lifted into sight, bandages slipping to reveal bloody cuts still fresh with pain. He really did do an awful job. Despite that, she laughs again, hand sinking into her bangs with little regard for the sharp jolt the contact brings. 

"I'm so... afraid."

_What are you afraid of?_

She wasn't quite ready to admit that.

...

_A dizzying sense of deja vu, yet something unfamiliar underneath._

_"G.. George-sama, I.."_

_"You can just call me George, Sayo. We've been over this."_

_"Right, uhm.. I've been thinking. About what you said. How you wanted to be honest with me.. So I wanted to be honest with you as well. You're.. okay with that, right..?"_

_Warm, welcoming hands take her own, a brief smile flashing with reassurance._

_"Of course, Sayo. You can tell me anything."_

_"Thank you. I just... I can't hide it any longer. I love you, so I must be honest.. I-"_

_When she opened her mouth to speak, there was no sound. She only got a quizzical look from the other as she tried to speak again. Her mouth only opened and closed uselessly, not even a choke or a sob audible._

_"Don't say it. I don't need to know the truth to know you're a liar," a hand is suddenly over her mouth to stop her from trying again, cold eyes on a face no longer recognizable as it morphs to someone she knows more than well._

_"You won't say it. You won't say iiiit, isn't that riiiight? You know that you're a liar, so you continue to lie, isn't that right, fuuurnitureeee?" The trills and the drawn out vowels and the mocking cackle and tight grip on her whole body that follow are nothing short of familiar. A personal demon of her own creation set to haunt her and stoppable by no one._

_"And what if I was Battler? Would you tell him?" The demon's face becomes comforting now, someone who held her close before and someone she remembers feeling right against her lips before she left. It's almost enough to let her relax in this purgatory but even that reprieve is short lived as a cold hand grips her by the chin and throws her downward carelessly._

_"You killed my family._ Our _family, really. When were you going to tell me that you made me kiss my blood relative, huh? I knew the old man was a bastard, but now I know it's an inherited trait."_

_The insults come out colder than ice, so cold it burns her skin and makes her writhe on the ground for some kind of relief._

A sharp pain in her hand comes from somewhere and her shoulders are uncontrollable and suddenly, he's no longer in that void but in a dimly lit bedroom. 

There's a hand shaking his shoulder and he tosses it off, sitting up abruptly but regretting the choice as soon as his bare palm hits the sheets. _Fuck, I didn't take the other shards out yet.._

Using his good hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, he tries his damndest to push the remaining fragments of that nightmare away and instead focus on remembering what was happening in the _real_ world. Right.. he'd been in the bathroom. But it was dark out now, so that must've been awhile ago.. 

_Did I fall asleep..?_

"Sayo," Battler's voice comes from behind him, the other boy propped up on one elbow with a hand extended on the sheets as though offering help. _Not that there's much to do._

"Kanon," the other only bluntly corrects him, sighing as he runs fingers through his bangs and lays down on his back again. He makes no move to look over at Battler. God knows how hard he's fighting to retain some kind of composure right now considering the situation. 

"Kanon," Battler tries again, and Kanon dares to look over at him once. The room has no light, and he can only make out a faint outline, but the crease in his brow and the glint in his eye tells everything. 

"Isn't it a bit late? We should be sleeping," The boy sighs, turning over onto his side to let his back face the other. Maybe if he closes his eyes, Battler will just leave things be. Or maybe, he'll find himself at the bottom of the sea, with none of this having ever happened. 

"We _were_ sleeping. You started shaking so violently it woke me up. What kind of night terror is that?" 

"Please do not concern yourself with these things, Battler-sama. I'm sorry you had to see that."

Battler seems unsatisfied with the response and Kanon can imagine shape of his creased brow. There's a quiet sigh. Frustration. Kanon was quite good at bringing that emotion out in people. 

A spilt tea cup here, a dropped bag of soil there. Each time earning a groan from someone. He briefly remembers a time where he'd lost a broom in the chapel during a cleaning. The other maids left him alone to find it, blaming him if they got in trouble. Always the scapegoat.

To a child's mind, the easiest way to cope was to blame it on the witch. Blame it all on the witch that haunted him, using her magic to make every twist and turn of his life a worse hell than the last. That's what she'd been doing this whole time, right? 

Without a doubt, it was that witch's unfortunate magic that had severed the rope tied to his ankle that day. 

"I'm sorry."

An apology was the last thing he expected to hear from Battler, of all people. It was the last thing Battler would ever have reason to say, given what Kanon had done. Kanon should be apologizing to _him_.

The boy didn't respond at first, continuing to lay with his back turned to the other, hands clenching at the sheets around him. _Don't. Please just sleep._

Kanon only listens to the heavy silence surrounding them, stuck between hoping it stays that way and hoping Battler speaks again. It's selfish. 

"Hah.. it's awkward like this," Battler whispers lightly, both amused and strained at the same time. "I just mean.. I'm sorry. For touching you earlier, when you didn't want me to."

Kanon exhales sharply. _That's it..? He's still worrying about something like that?_ On some level it was deeply flattering to know Battler really cared that much about it, but at the same time, it wasn't quite was Kanon expected to hear. Maybe a _I'm sorry I didn't let you kill yourself_ would be nice.

_You.. don't really think that way, do you, Kanon-kun..?_

_Of course you do. Something that's not even human should know it has no right to liiive-!_

"It's not an issue, Battler-sama," Kanon replies blankly, half-mumbled into his pillow as he tries to sink into it completely. "I didn't want you to get blood on yourself, nor worry about someone like me." 

"Someone like you..? You're still worth worrying about, you know," Battler huffs tiredly in response, the sound of shifting blankets coming from behind Kanon's back.

"That's-" 

Before Kanon can finish what he wanted to say, he feels a hand on his shoulder pulling him to roll onto his other side. It's a strong grip, one he has little ability to push against.

Soon enough he's laying facing Battler, eyes widened like a deer in headlights. Thank god for the darkness of the room, or else Battler would clearly be able to tell Kanon's face matched the other boy's hair in color. Even with adjusted eyes, all Kanon could make out himself was the shape of Battler's face staring him down. 

_He looks mad. Did I say something wrong?_

The last conversation moves through his head again, clear as day as he tries to pinpoint exactly what would make Battler mad at him. A brief worry that maybe, just maybe, the other was done with him completely flashed into his head. 

_No, no, that's.._

"You look like you're thinking something stupid again," Battler says quietly, pointedly even. Kanon now realizes.. he was pouting. Not angry, just giving a displeased, childish expression. 

"H.. hah..?" 

"Sa... Kanon-kun," the other starts quietly, fumbling over the name for a second and breathing out a laugh. "Well, ah.. I don't really know or understand you, really. But I've been trying hard, and I think I finally understand something."

Kanon doesn't respond to that, mouth pulled into a tight line as he avoids eye contact entirely. He wants to be anywhere but here. 

_Didn't you want someone to understand you..?_

_Didn't you want Battler to understand you...?_

"You don't really believe all that stuff you say, right? That's why you just repeat it, to make it true to yourself," his tone is serious, but not cruel. It's.. understanding, as he'd described it. He really was trying. The thought made Kanon's stomach flip, and he wondered what kind of hell he'd found himself in. Maybe he really did drown. Maybe this was purgatory. 

"It.. it's late, Battler-sama-" he tries instead, barely managing to form the sentence and just choking out the words.

"Ihihi.. sorry, but I can't help but want to know you more, I guess. You've.. really changed," his voice sounds distant at this point, a hundred yards away on some far shore. Anywhere but here. 

_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry._

She wants to say it badly. She wants to scream it for hours. 

"B.. but that's not bad, or anything..!" Battler quickly fixes it at the lack of a response, and the probably pained expression Kanon is making. "I just mean.. well, we were kids back then anyhow. I bet I've changed in your opinion, too." 

"I really enjoyed catching up that night, too..! I mean, back then it was always fun to discuss mysteries, but even just your company has always been nice, I guess-" He's clearly starting to ramble off now. Kanon doesn't blame him.

Battler's been politely avoiding talking about anything that happened. He's been holding it in since that day, only letting it slip now. Whereas Kanon... he'd selfishly let himself fall apart as many times as he wanted. And every time, Battler had been the one to deal with him. 

_I'm sorry._

"And, on the boat.. well, uhm.." the other boy trails off sheepishly, and a shift in the blankets signals that he's scratching the back of his neck. A common nervous tick. 

"I probably.. said a lot of dumb stuff as a kid, because I wanted to impress a girl I liked. Looking back, you were being pretty nice by not finding me embarrassing, so thanks. I know you probably had your own reasons for what happened, but for me it was oddly validating..? I guess that's how I'd put it.. not sure how to define it." 

_I'm going to die._

"Ehh.. you've been really quiet. I'm not being too annoying, right?"

_I'm died. This is punishment._

"Well, I just.. wanted to say that I do care about you, and I don't know how to describe it, but I'll.. I'll make sure nobody knows about the witch, if that's what you want." 

_This is hell. This is my hell._

"Sayo?"

A shaky, watery inhale fills the room. She tries to roll over again, but the strong hand is on her shoulder still, keeping her in place. She wants to run, disappear into the darkness and never come back. 

Instead she just shuts her eyes, hands instinctively moving up to her temples as they'd done a thousand times before. Any time she fell into this state, really. 

_You really think he's telling the truth to you? You know he's just pitying you, riiight?_

_This is ridiculous. Just ignore him._

"Sayo, are you-"

"Don't.. don't.." she mumbles out, eyes shutting tighter as she grips at her hair. By now the wet on her face is evident, and she feels small. Alone. There's no longer a body next to hers, she's just in the darkness she longed for. It's terrifying. 

"Hey," Battler's voice comes again, and a hand lifts her own from its vice grip, moving it to rest on the sheets and replacing it. Some foreign hand cups her face warmly, gently, unlike the solid one she remembers from her nightmares. 

There's no more words between them. Sayo's sobs speak loud enough for minutes on end, until it finally subsides into shallow breaths, eyes still glued tight. That hand never once left her, only moving to let a slightly calloused thumb wipe tears off of where it could reach. 

"Battler-san," her voice is raspy and dry, and she does not dare to even sneak a glance at him. "Please.. I don't care about anything else, just please.. Don't tell those lies to me anymore."

He goes silent, probably wondering what she meant, but he doesn't pry.

"I was being honest. I care about you, so.. I won't leave you alone."

"Stop.."

"I really mean it..! I probably made a bunch of stupid promises as a kid, and I left for years, but I said it before," his voice takes on a stern tone, loud and serious for once. "We've _both_ changed. I don't.. I don't break promises anymore. I won't lie to you about that."

_You shouldn't believe that worthless man, you know. It'll be soon enough before you get your heart broken again._

_This is pointless._

_But I want to try.. What's so wrong about that?_

_They always use their pretty words to sway you-- don't you know actions are the only definitive proof?_

Her mind drifts somewhere else, to a piece of writing. Maybe if she tapped into that witch's power, she could make him say the red truth. That he really _wouldn't_ break his promise this time. 

_But that's just fiction. He can't prove it._

Even still, she wants to try. 

"Can you.. prove that to me..?" She chokes out, eyes finally opening to the real darkness and readjusting slowly. The hand on her face is warm and soft and feels like it should be more than enough proof. But she's greedy. 

She's scared.

She still can't see anything through blurry eyes, wet with tears, so she can't see his face. He's probably disgusted, angry that she would demand such a thing from him. _Her_ , a lowly servant, a _furniture_ , barely worth his time, demanding proof of his honesty. 

The hand on her face tightens its grip somewhat and she half expects him to scream in her face. Tell her she's worthless, selfish, fucked up and hopeless. That would be familiar, at least. 

But instead she feels a split second of skin ghosting over her own, before she feels those lips press to her own again for the first time since that day. Even though it was only that one time, her very first kiss, it feels almost natural the second time it happens. Even though she'd been leading the charge that time, her entire façade has no qualms melting under the touch. 

It's not long. It's not deep, by any means. A chaste kiss, a few seconds long but warm and intimidate and much more reciprocated than the one she'd practically forced on him, the last ditch effort of a deadwoman. 

That feeling leaves her lips, cold and empty and alone, but a hand still on her cheek wiping away fresh tears.

Her now adjusted eyes can make out his face properly, close to hers and with no sign of moving away. A stern look with furrowed brows, eyes screaming for answers.

Sayo's face contorts into something disgusting as she cries, head curling in on her body as a hand grips something. Maybe the sheets, or maybe Battler's shirt. She doesn't care at this point. 

"I'm sorry."

This time she's the one who says it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soon it's battler's turn on the emotional breakdown


End file.
